Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The road to a beautiful Life
I always say if you want a beautiful life you have to be willing to let go of the uglyness. That goes for that ugly lamp somone gave you, the ugly pair of sweat pants you wouldent dare wear in public, Ugly habbits smoking, cursing drinking to much. Toxic people, anger, resentment, the past... all these things if held onto prevent us from achiving that fabulous apartment, the perfect wardrobe and a happy spirit. Am I right? If you hold on to any of that stuff... well you will have closets full of stuff you don't use, or really shouldent be using. and internally your have a heart full of baggage and pain with a fake plastic smile plastered on the outside. Sister Let it all go. Over the past year I have been letting it all go. It started when I lost, what I thought was my DREAM JOB. I then Lost my dream home and it went on from there. At first I was devastated but I chose to look at it as a new begenning. An opportunity to start over. I have spent this last year purging things from my life and bringing things into my life I WANT rather than settling for what I already have... and doing it all purposfully.
My first step was getting rid of boxes and boxes of stuiff...clothes, shoes, bags, books and ugly nick nacks others had given me. We hang onto a lot of stuff because it was given to us by others... don't we. I am obsessed with shows like clean house, Burried alive, and hoaders. People's lives are really controlled by stuff and I wanted freedom to move to London or New York if I wanted to. so goodbye stuff. Now obviouly Im still a fashionista so you know I didnt purge my closet too much. everything I love or could love again stayed. But I got rid of stuff I never wear and shouldent be wearing. I gave clothes to those less fortunate, sold some at re-sale shops, and helped out dress for sucsess so women can get jobs. I have realized how blessed I am and what I have is valuable to me. I have more space in my closet for all the things I love and will someday acquire. I got rid of all the house hold stuff I didn't need and I sold all my post college furniture. I made a design plan for my future home. So now I have a list of items I know I will buy over a space of time and build up to that final look I want to achive when I have a nice place of my own. For now bits and peices grace my rental and everyday I am reminded of my goals.
As much as it depends on you strive to be at peace with others, with yourself and with God. I had held onto so many relationships because I feared being alone. I had held onto people who were negative and toxic and bad influence because I was loyal and didnt want to have the ackward conversation or feel like I was abandoning people in need. I had to learn to set boundaries and not take on others problems as my own. Im highly compassionate and I often found that in my former job I would bring work home with me and toss and turn all night worriing about my kids and their families. I was stressed out to the max. I learned that I had to let go and let God. I gave up dating. I gave up men and sex. I was trying to get married ha ha and It wasnt bringing in the dream guy, but a lot of loosers. I needed to stop and be ok with just being alone and finding myself. I started surounding my self with positive caring people with a genuine love form me. rather than focussing on mass amounts of people I took solitude to a new level and sought out fewer more meaningful relationships.
When I lost my job My financesbecame a HOT TRANNY MESS .. ha ha. But rather than pretend theyre ok I am choosing to let go and let God. He will help me figure it out. I'm getting financhal counceling and help and support to work it all out in the near future.
So far I think wow thats a huge ovehaul but there was one more thing I didnt le t myself think about untill I got a call...
My Grandmother is dying. she is 89. she has lived a pretty amazing and long life. Death makes you think. I realized after I said my goodbyes to my grandma that mine is half over. I think my life is half over? at 32? I expect to die at 60-63 my life expectancy is not good.
Over the years I have been a plus isze advocate, a fashion consultant and wardrobe stylist and I have resigned myself to be a happy, healthy and vibrant Plus size woman, BBW whatever you want to call it. a happy fat girl. I wanted to show the world that a big woman can be happy confident and secure... and well dressed ;). For years I was happy and entergetic and content at a size 20. I had an accident that hurt my spine and my hips and I have gone from being a size 20 to a 26. I still tried to be that girl... happy.
But in the back of my mind there were little disapointments. Times where I would realize that every pound I gained was like loosing another a peice of myself. I couldent hike up a mountain like I used to. Traveling has become harder. I cant walk for hours and hours and explore a city. There are times I long for a chanel suit or a marc jacobs dress and know it will never happen. Knowing I cant ride a horse like I used to, or ride a bike as far as I would like to go. I know I want children and the doctor told me how my weight would prevent me from becomming pregnant, I want to get married and be the most beautiful person in the wedding party... but I know that the dress selection for girls like me is like looking for fine china at walmart. and if I did have kids how sad that I wouldent be able to run around with them and play. I refused to think about all of these things I had lost. I chose to make the best of what I had. I know a lot of it is because of my injury it just takes time to heal but my weight isnt helping the healing process and it's the weight that makes me look different than I did. Makes people stare. makes me feel socially ackward and unwelcome. Makes me feel heavy.. and makes my jeans dig into my skin and leave red marks. I dont want to live this way... indefinatley.
Maya Angelou once said "to survive is necessary, to thrive is elegant." I want to thrive. I want to be happy and to see all my dreams come true. I dont want to live the rest of my life with the expectantcy of an early death. I choose life and life more abundantly. Recently I fasted for 7 days. I have never done this before but it showed me that I can have self control. If I can go with no food I can definatley limit my intake. i fear it may not work but Im going to try. If we are faithful to pursue good, God is faithful to complete that work in us. My body is my temple so the Lord said and as I sat in church and listened for the call of missionaries to go to Haiti to help the poor my spirit felt moved to serve and realized my body would prevent me from really being a help to them. I felt, I would just slow everyone down and be an extra burden to the team and that's when I realized what I had done to my body. When The body interupts the call of the lord on your life. When it prevents you from finding true love and enjoying the things you love, Fashion... the outdoors... travel... It's time to make a BIG change.
My grandmother often pleaded with me to loose weight, she wanted me to live a long and happy life. So in honor of her, In pursiut of my hopes and dreams and all the hopes I put aside in the trash can of imposibility. I am going to change my life. Someone told me that if I lost the weight they would buy me a chanel handbag. This has always been a dream of mine to own one so we will see
I will bring you updates and thoughts from my journey. I am still the happy confident woman, I will still bring you style advice and continue to feature plus size women on street beat.
I hope my story and complete honesty encourages you to take the necessary steps toward a happy life whatever it looks like for you. Freedom is having the ability to choose your own path. The feminist movement was meant to give women options to work if they wanted to or needed to. We often defend our choices by putting down others choices. That is not and will never be my heart for you. Be you, be happy just be honest about what that means for you and do not settle for anything less than exactly what you want.